I went to a wedding a couple of days ago. A co-worker of mine got married. It was great, it made me have a reason to get out. I had things on my mind that kept lingering. I tried to stay calm, keep it under wraps. Stupid anxiety attack comes barging in full throttle during the reception. I don’t get out much for several reasons and this would count as one.
As I see everyone having fun, laughing and dancing. It started to feel like the walls were closing in, my head started to throb, my hands started to get shaking. I go into defense mode, don’t let them see you struggle . My co-worker whose wedding I was attending came over. She asked if we were doing okay. I wasn’t going to ruin her day, I couldn’t ruin it. I wanted to scream and cry. So instead I put on my fake smile and my I’m okay attitude. I told her she looked awesome and how it was a lovely ceremony. I meant it, but at the same time I wanted to run out saying nothing.
I fought the storm as long as I could. When my ride came, and after I had left the wedding. I shut down completely. I cried, got angry, then well that cloud of depression rolled in. It got dark inside for a bit. Why did this happen? I’m never sure why.
Everyone tells me I need to get out, have fun. It’s hard to have fun when you can’t really control parts of your life. Some people in my life say, ” You are never well are you?”.
My social life isn’t great I don’t go out on Friday night’s, I dont hang out with freinds. I’m alone. Why? Because this doesn’t create friction between me and my anxiety. The wedding was beautiful. And they both deserve to be happy.
But I will just sit back and watch the others have fun, no need to set others back with me. Watching others have fun makes me put on a real smile.
Put this in the unfortunate pain in my… well you get the idea.